Back in 2011, when I first came to London, I was in my early 20s and ready for city life. Coming here on my own and starting completely new was super exciting and gave me a massive confidence boost. I really enjoyed the big city, loved shopping, meeting people for afterwork drinks, living as and when it suited. London was so cool - amazing restaurants, choices over choices on clothes shops, theatres, so much to explore. It was really refreshing to be whoever you wanted to be! People accept you here and it felt amazing to kind of relax.
Then I met Sam and things changed slightly. Suddenly I noticed that the friends I had made were moving away one after the other.. changing the country for a new adventure, moving out of London to settle, etc. In a weird way I felt like I was in-between these stages, not ready to settle, not willing to settle in London but also not ready for a new adventure.
After a couple of years it really hit me how lonely I was getting, as nanny I didn't have any colleagues and apart from 2 friends everybody had moved away. It was time for a new adventure! Though there was Sam - tied to his job in London and not ready to move on. I sat tight and every now and then raised the topic of 'change' - sadly nothing ever happened. We always agreed on 'soon'.
Instead of just sitting and waiting for something to happen I then decided to find friends - but how? Is there such a thing as finding friends these days? I decided to go down the route of doing what I love and surely I would meet someone that way?! I signed up for a spanish class, several gym classes, cupcake class, pole dancing and crochet over the next few years, but nothing. Friendly people of course, but nothing ever went further than a brief conversation. Then it started... Self doubt, loneliness, feeling unhappy and empty.
We agreed to move from zone 2 to zone 3 to have a bigger flat for more or less the same money and thought that maybe living in a town-like area not in central London might make a change. Same old though, how do you make friends if you don't work with colleagues and hardly have time to "go and find" friends? Again, not much happened.
I mean, of course I met lovely people along the way but no close friends. It seems like people living in London are so busy that there is simply no time. Unless of course you have your UNI-friends or whatever in London, then it's different. I became quite insecure with the time and noticed that I do actually behave in an awkward way when I meet people. It's like I just can't be myself.
In 2016 our lives then did actually change - Theodore (Teddy) was born. During the pregnancy I was quite lonely and my nanny job and come to an end. Things got really bad - I mean REALLY bad - being lonely and pregnant while your other half is a workaholic is not great at all. Oh hello there 'prenatal depression'. Thankfully we signed up for a NCT class which made things better for a little while, but again no close relationships as there seems no time to actually bond.
To this day I am waiting. Waiting to leave London, maybe go on a traveling adventure as a family, or maybe find a place we love and settle down. But until then I feel I'm stuck and limited. Having kids and nobody around you fully connect with is hard. Having kids and living in London even feels hard! Of course there are lots and lots of toddler groups and classes, but again people are so stuck in there own bubble it feels hard to even approach anyone.
Normally I'm an out-going, happy and active person, but living here is holding me down so much that I simply not enjoy my life.. I try to make the best out of it every single day. It's hard though. It's hard not to blame Sam, as I feel that he is super attached to London. I mean - for him it's completely different, he has a great job, uni friends (I sadly don't connect with), freedom.
My heart is so unhappy and the London hype is completely over.
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